Capacity Building: Making Marriage Work


Hello! And welcome once again to my corner, FamilyMatics. I sincerely do hope the year 2017 has been a productive one for you, from the home front and otherwise. Last week, I started some streams of thoughts on “Marital Breakdowns”. I did mention that, “A breakdown is said to have occurred when the normal functioning of a machine, person or relationship is disrupted due to some failure.” Also, I gave about five (5) reasons marital breakdowns occur (similar to machine breakdown) and these are:

Not reading the operator’s manual, improper maintenance, overrunning machine’s capability, improper weather-related use, and ignoring warning signals.

This week, I will love to dwell a little more on Overrunning Machine’s Capability. One of the observations I have made over the years is the fact that many people do not match their capacity to their desires. What do I mean? When someone is desirous of a “next level” in life, it is not uncommon to see such fellow moving from one spiritual house to another, seeking the goddess of favour. While seeking spiritual help may not be wrong in itself, but not taking time to develop the necessary mindset and skill-sets to succeed at that new level is guaranty that the promotion may not last, if at all it comes.

How do I mean? A lot of people are anxious of getting married and starting a family, but very few pay attention to seeking knowledge and right counsel on how a successful family works. What many know of family life is largely determined by their experiences and of course, the “celebrities.” You may see folks chatting on how glamorous a particular wedding was, and how it all ended in just a few months or years. But hardly do people sit down to objectively diagnose the root cause(s), and what they may do to prevent a similar experience. Since we refuse to learn from experience, what we now see is that it has become normal to repeat experience. In fact, divorce is becoming as gorgeous as wedding itself. But it does not have to come to that.


To enjoy real bliss in your marriage, you need to invest in your capacity. Here are a few tips on how you can go about that:


  1. Read Books. This is by far the cheapest advice anyone can give you. Look at authors whose lives match their talk in delivering right family values, and read about their secrets. Reading gives you a chance to crawl in the head of the author. Hence, you can “borrow” their wisdom.


  1. Right Associations. One of the favorite quotes in my college days is, “Show me your friend, and I will tell you who you are.” It is amazing how some married folks surround themselves with single friends. Of course, if your relationship is business (and business alone), there will be no issues. If, however, it spills into other areas especially marriage, you may be in for a shock. If the person has been jilted in past relationships and has determined to have nothing to do with the opposite gender, you can as well imagine what kind of advice such fellow will give you. I could remember an issue I was privileged to intervene in a few months ago, where the friend of the lady concerned, an unmarried single mom, advised her to divorce her husband. And this leads to the third point:


  1. Right Counsel. Who is speaking into your life? Consciously or unconsciously, someone is playing this role. And guess what? The loudest and most consistent voice will eventually determine the direction of your life, your marriage especially. Like I mentioned in point two (2) above, a single-unmarried-mom was advising a married-friend to divorce her husband. The pressure was so high that they were about filing for separation. Alas, when I got to hear of the situation, just a little wisdom bite, and voila, they were back in each other’s arms. The “adviser” could not believe that it would come that easy. Willingly submitting your marriage to the scrutiny of an experienced (and enlightened) mentor is crucial, even if it means paying for the service. The stress it will save you will be worth it on the long run.

If you can put to use the points discussed above, it will stretch your capacity to handle responsibilities and demands that come with marriage. But you will not be doing them blindly or grudgingly, but excitedly because you are aware of what you are doing, and the long-term benefits.


Keep basking in bliss in your marriage.


I value you.


Dele Ayo Bankole

He is an Associate Family Systems Engineering (FSE) Practitioner, a family and behavioral change therapist. He is the Principal Family Strategist at the High-Impact Family Centre. He helps to design unique strategies for wholesome family and organizational experience. He can be reached on Phone/WhatsApp (08064980357) and Email, highimpactfamilycentre@gmail. com. If you have any comments, feedback, questions, or suggestions, he will love to hear from you.


Together, we can make an emotionally healthy Africa possible!




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